Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
