What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
