I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
