I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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