Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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