She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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