so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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