I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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