I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
