Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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