Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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