I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
