Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
