I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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