Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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