I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
