I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
