My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Randomize
