Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
