I think I am morally bankrupt
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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