You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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