the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
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How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
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I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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