Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
