I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my being single is dangerous.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
