census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
