There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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