I met the friendliest cop last night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I am one with the molecules
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
