he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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