Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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