My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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