Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
