My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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