I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
