We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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