Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
