my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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