His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
