Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
