so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
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There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
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We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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