There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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