I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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