I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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