My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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