I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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