so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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