You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
