I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
