put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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