Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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