Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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