I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
