If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
