If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
