I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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