One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
