either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
