I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
