I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
