i need an iv and a liver transplant
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
