careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
