i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
